The Honey-Do Awards – Gone Astray Podcast

Tis Awards Season: The Grammys, the Oscars and now, The Honey-Dos.

Ladies and gentlemen, live from the Home Depot Center for the Arts, its the 2024 Honey-Do Awards, honoring excellence among handypersons, the guys and gals you can’t get along without.

We are on the Red Dropcloth watching the parade go by.

Oh, here he is, Roger Grabowski, looking his best in his shiny blue bib overalls and red cap. Mario and Luigi would be envious. Last year, Roger took the Thomas Crapper Award for best unclogger: freed 1200 pounds tons of dryer lint…snaked 320 miles of clogged pipes.

Oh look who is coming, Robert Chittingham Pomeroy III. Despite looking a bit like a chimney sweep, he is descended from royalty. His grandfather, by appointment of the king, was the Royal Ratter. Last year, Robert located and killed more than 3,200 roof rats and scattered multitudes of mice. Bloody good job, I say. Whew, but he does have an air about him, doesn’t he.

Oh, listen to the applause, here comes Madge. She is the favorite, voted best handyperson last year. Madge, donning a Christian Dior Tuxedo with a 26 pocket toolbelt, obviously stands above the rest. Madge does everything: replaces p-traps and breaker boxes, installs cat doors, fixes squeaky gates, bakes fruitcakes. She’s going to be a hard one to beat.

And here he comes. Elon, sauntering past in his leather flight jacket with fur-lined collar, doesn’t have much of a personality…quite Boring, in fact. And he’s not so good with his hands — he couldn’t extract a fly from a screen door let alone drive without supervision, but, as he is wont to say, he can shoot your honey-dos off to the moon.

And there he is…a longtime favorite, Mr. Clean.  Looking just as impressive as he did in the 1950s when he competed with actor Yul Brynner for studliness. Strutting with white teeshirt, sparkling earring, gleaming head. He polishes it everyday, I am told. He was only a one trick handyman but he got rid of dirt and grime and grease in just a minute. Could clean your whole house and everything that’s in it. Floors, doors, walls, halls, white sidewalls, old golf balls. Without even getting dirty himself.

So, who will it be? Join us later when Martha Stewart and Bob Vila emcee the 2024 Honey Do Awards, with s special presentation by the Sham Wow guy.