The Cumberbatches (Season 1)

The Honeymooners, TV Series, 1965 (Photo: Public Domain, Wikipedia)

OPENING SEQUENCE, ANIMATED FIREWORKS AND NEW YORK SKYLINE.
MUSIC THEME WITH APPLAUSE IN BACKGROUND UP AND UNDER FOR:

ANNOUNCER
The Cumberbatches. Starring Ralph Cumberbatch, as himself,
Alice Cumberbatch, as herself, and Ed, Ralph’s pal.

DISSOLVE TO KITCHEN IN A COLD WATER FLAT IN BROOKLYN.
ED IS WATCHING ALICE CUMBERBATCH FROST A CAKE.
DOOR OPENS, RALPH CUMBERBATCH ENTERS.
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS.

ED
Hey there Ralphie Boy.

RALPH SCOWLS AND PACES, STICKS HIS FINGER INTO FROSTING, TAKES A LICK.

ALICE
Ralph, what’s wrong?

RALPH
You know what’s wrong Alice, you know what’s wrong. Benedict, that son of ours.
I raised him to be my image, drive a bus or sumpin’, get a good union job, join the
bowlin’ league and the Loyal Order of the Raccoons. Now he’s tryin’ to be James Bond.
Its all your fault, Alice, all those bigger-than-his-britches words you put in his mouth.

ALICE
Ah Ralph, he was a smart kid, clues started early. Train set, three rail Lionel, DC power in the middle,
Yes, exactly. Caramel corn sticks to track, train derails, crashes into hamster. Hamster flies into goldfish bowl causing
big splash as hamster was greasy, increasing effect of surface tension on water. Displaces goldfish, which lands on
the floor. Hamster drowns. Goldfish survives but takes the rap. Benedict saves her by pure deduction.

ED
Huh?

RALPH
Yeow! Listen up Alice. I just got a text from him from — are you ready for this  — another dimension: length,
width, woof, warp…whaat? He’s nuttier than a Walnetto.

AUDIENCE OOH

ALICE
Elementary my dear Ralph. Kindergarten. Caught in boy’s room smoking with caterpillar.
Forced to clap erasers. Chalk dust found at scene of strangling. Benedict put two and two together,
which he had just learned to do.

ED INTERRUPTS
I had to clap erasers once, for chewing gum in class, huh, huh , huh.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

RALPH GROWLS
One of these days, Alice…one of these days…

ALICE
Ahhh, shaddap, Ralph! Pow, right in the kisser, right? You always say that.

AUDIENCE GROANS

ALICE
Kiss of Death. 1947 film, Victor Mature. Oh wait, Obama meets Dali Lama, rama lama
ding dong, walla walla bing bang. Witch doctor tells him what to do.

RALPH
Alice…Alice. BANG, ZOOM! Straight to the moon!

AUDIENCE, DISTURBED: OOOH

ED
Gutter ball.

ALICE
Earth rotates at 1037.5646 miles per hour and circles sun at 66,000 miles per hour.
Need to launch eastward at 6AM tomorrow to achieve escape velocity…have to account for the……

 RALPH’S MOBILE PHONE RINGS

RALPH (INTERRUPTS)
Wait, wait, Benedict has escaped from the Dark Dimension and…and, he has saved the earth…again.

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

RALPH
And he has been nominated Sorcerer Supreme.

ED
That’s about has far as you can go in the Raccoons, isn’t it?

ALICE WALKS OVER AND HUGS RALPH.

RALPH
Ah, that’s my boy.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

RALPH GIVES ALICE A KISS

RALPH
Baby, you’re the greatest!

ALICE WALKS TO THE TABLE AND BEGINS SLICING THE CHOCOLATE CAKE.

AUDIENCE APPLAUSE

CLOSING CREDITS

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